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Floating Church/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW And whistling) thank you very much. Thank you, uh... Had a bit of a close call but we're okey-dokey now. Stinky peterson and I were just out fishing, there, where the possum lodge sewer outlet comes down. Both of us looked away at exactly the same moment and eight million gallons of whatever come down there and knocked us out of the boat into the lake. We're ok now. Wow! Were you killed? (audience laughing) do I look like I was killed? Yeah. I bet you were scared. You must have screamed, like... Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhh! Did you scream like "ohhhh"? Then you get water and you go "ahhhh!" did your life flash before your eyes? It is now! (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): I'm gonna make a lifejacket out of jelly. And ranger gord gets some special badges. Dalton looks for the missing word around here: "job". And harold tries... Well, I guess that's rap. There, that's better. You must have been scared when you saw that water coming at you. I screamed to stinky. I said, "if god gets us out of this one, "I'll never miss church again." this hand lifted me up and I saw a tunnel with a light at the end. I was moving towards the light. Wow! Uncle red, you had an outer-body near-death experience! Yes! Oh, yes, yes! I heard about these on jojo's psychic alliance hotline. Yeah! Oh! You felt the hand of god. You saw the gateway to the afterlife. I felt moose thompson's hand. I saw possum lodge's sewer. I walked out -- I'm fine, harold. I can't wait to see you at church. What are you talking about? You said if god saved you, you'd go to church. God didn't save me -- moose did. Come on, uncle red. Moose was merely god's tool. Moose is everybody's tool, harold. No, no, no, no, no, no. You gotta go to church. You gotta go to church. If you don't, you'll turn into a pillar of salt or something. Harold, you do go to church. Look what you turned into. I'll take my chances. (applause) (red): Got a treat for you. Away you go, bill, up and over. Ohhhhh... Man! Ow! Ow! Later, we'll have martial arts from bill, but first, there's a little teaser, a little demonstration. He's gonna do a little forehead "fu", here, I believe this is called. It's kind of lumber against lumber. Unfortunately, bill's got the soft wood. Welcome to the expert portion. This week, we have two experts, one being uncle red and his friend, mr. Dalton humphrey. (applause) this week's letter goes as follows: "dear experts" -- wahhh! -- "my wife and I are going through a divorce... "from each other. "how can we divide stuff "when we only have one good piece of furniture?" well, the phrase "chainsaw" comes to mind. You know, that's a tough problem. I know, 'cause about three weeks ago, my wife and I decided to divorce. What?! You and anne-marie are getting divorced, are you? She wanted to wait till our daughter was 20, and that happened last month, so after, uh... After 14 years of marriage, she moved out. (audience laughing) walked right out. Sorry to hear that, mr. Humphrey. Don't worry about it. That is her loss. You'll find out that you're gonna be the lucky one now. I'll tell you something. Most folks around here never liked her. (audience laughing) you'd hear 'em saying, "boy, how did he end up with that one?" "he'd be better off without her. "she's holding him back." so don't you worry. I had no idea that folks felt that way. They just couldn't stand the sight of her. When they find out this thing has gone kaput, there's gonna be a big celebration. I wonder how they'll feel when they find out that she's come back after a week and we reconciled, decided we loved each other. (audience laughing) (applause) well... (clearing throat) just off the top of my head, I... I would imagine they'd be somewhat embarrassed about some of the things they'd said and I would-- I would-- I would expect that they would owe you a fairly good-sized apology. Who was it was saying that stuff? Uh, well, to be honest with you, it was mainly harold. (laughing and applause) ♪ oh, plants shrivel up when you walk in the room ♪ ♪ people pull back when you're near ♪ ♪ animals reel, fall down and go boom ♪ ♪ and the reason is perfectly clear ♪ ♪ you got halitosis ♪ ♪ it's not osmosis ♪ ♪ it ain't no bed of roses ♪ ♪ it's halitosis ♪ ♪ eyes will water, friends will fall ♪ ♪ halitosis is worse than having no breath at all ♪ when that water knocked me out of the boat, I realized that "life preserver" is just a name, rather than a description of what something does, especially if you leave these in the weather for 20 years, or use 'em as boat fenders. (glass breaking) I'll show you how to make yourself unsinkable because boys will be boys but that doesn't make them buoy-- buoy-- boy, the things that... That was so smart when I thought of it. What I got here is a bowl of jelly and a pail of water. What am I gonna do with these? Remember, this is a family show. All right, I'm gonna take the jelly, ok? Thought there was a spoon around here. Oh, well, never mind. Oh, boy, that brings back memories. That was the worst summer job I ever had. I'll drop this into the water. Watch what happens. The jelly floats, like the way fat people float. Moose thompson floats so high, he could get registered as a cruise ship. The point is, if you pack yourself full of enough jelly, you'll be a floater. First, get into one of these drysuits. These things keep out all water and moisture. They also keep it in, so drop in at the john before you hop into this unit. (rubber squeaking) (panting) wasn't too bad. All right, all you gotta do is put the man-sized wetsuit over top. (gasping) oh, good. (grunting) (glass breaking) all right, forget the wetsuit. I got a better idea. A rainsuit is water-tight. All you do is seal the seams with duct tape, the cuffs and so on, and you're as good as making it happen. Now comes the fun part. You want to get yourself a whole whack of jelly powder. Figure on one cup of powder for every 10 pounds of body weight. You want to pull the rainsuit away from the drysuit and then pour the powder in between. Try to pick a flavour of jelly that matches your skin colour, 'cause there may be some leakage here. (coughing) maybe I should have put that in there with an insulation blower, but we're on a budget. All's you do is add the water. This is pretty self-explanatory, although it's hard to explain to people passing by. All right, all's you gotta do is mix the water with the jelly powder. (water gurgling) (rubber squeaking) there you go. You're set -- you're unsinkable. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. They'll find me fishing. (jelly squeaking) (laughing) do I look sober? You can tell a lot about people from how they react to worms. We're set to go fishing Sunday. I got great news-- no, no time for that. Stick your hand out -- those are for you. You save money when you buy worms in bulk. (screaming) (shrieking) all right, all right, all right, all right. Suit yourself -- I'll take 'em. You can't go fishing Sunday -- you'll be in church. Sorry, harold, but come Sunday, you'll find me out on the lake. That's part of my exciting news. We're having our first floating church service this Sunday. We're gonna meet, tie the boats together, and have a service in the middle of the lake. I wouldn't mind sitting in a pew if it had a 200-horsepower outboard on the back. So I will see you in church on Sunday. I won't need these, then. Oh, no! Don't give-- ahhh! Ahhh! For those of you looking for somebody on the cutting edge of safety, look no further than buzz sherwood. Hey, chubby red guy. And harold! All right, let's talk safety. Let's talk to the guys that think they're wimping out when they're saying they're hurt. It's ok to say uncle. My aunt taught me that. It takes a big man to admit he needs help. Take me, for example. We're out on the water, horsing around. I've hurt myself -- I need to go to the hospital. I'm not too proud to admit it. My gosh! What were you doing? We were trying this new thing out. We call it white-water para-air-skiing. Wow! Sounds dangerous, buzz. We're starting to think so, too. You strap on a pair of skis behind the plane. Tows you out on the lake and up 5,000 feet. You pull this release and you drop, but not before you pull your para-sail out, and you glide around the lake for a while and then you release that at 100 feet and you fall into mercury creek rapids. I can't believe a person could get hurt doing that. Oh, go figure, huh? I think it's when I banked off the beaver dam. That might have done it. Starting to black out. I need some x-rays, so safety first. Wait, wait, wait. That might be part of your problem. Oh! Oh, yeah! You all right? Red, I'm cured! Hey, bill, I'm gonna go again! Safety first! Yahoo! Ok, this is the big one, for the grand cash prize of... ... About 45 cents or so. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to make mr. Humphrey say this word. Go! All right, this is something that your daughter does not have. A clue? Something she doesn't have. Just think about it. A life? Money of her own? Ambition? Decent friends, a car? I'm not gonna buy a car for her! How about some self-esteem? How about the desire to get off that couch? How about a decent husband instead of that neanderthal she's dating? How about one clue about what to do with the rest of her life? How about a job? There you go! Congratulations! (applause and cheering) here's the money. (applause) (audience laughing) there are so many uses for the hammer, you have to list them alphabetically. "a" for abba... "b" for bee gees... "c" for captain and tenille... This floating church service got everybody all excited. Stinky peterson wants to stick a canoe up so we got a steeple thing pointing out of the lake. Junior singleton said if we pour gasoline over all the thing, you get the colours like a stained glass... Lake, really. Who's the minister at this widing, harold? The reverend garth -- very, very progressive. The guy with three ex-wives and the live-in girlfriend? He's keeping up with the times. He introduced all the new types of music into the hymn sings. Yeah, there's folk music he did and heavy metal. Remember the rap version of "amazing grace"? (making boombox sounds) ♪ amazing grace, how sweet thou art ♪ ♪ that s-s-s-saved a wretch like me ♪ ♪ yo, mama! ♪ (applause) (cheering and whistling) you like rap, harold? Oh, yeah. Stick your knuckles out. Hey! Oh, hey, man, safety first! I'm buzz sherwood, and if you fly your plane, don't go chasing birds, ok? You might think it's fun, but it's dangerous! Besides, if you hit one, there's only enough for, like, one serving. (red): Back at the martial arts demonstration, bill's gonna try a running attack on the.. That's the rope. It's all right, you're fine. The running attack on the board. Kind of did the up-and-over thing and-- oh, boy! Oh, my gosh! Hey! Hey! Well, he split the board. He split the board, which was real convenient for what we had planned next. Rest in peace, bill. Of course, he's fine. Ok, we got a karate thing going on here, harold? Karate -- that's... Oh... What? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my. Ohhh! All right, this is, uh... My apologies to sumo wrestlers everywhere. Holy mackerel. Oh, man! Is that a tractor tire? When I started doing this programme, I really... What I had in mind was an outdoorsy kind of... Something you could be proud of when you want to give people... Oh, man. Give people hints and tips on how to do things and how to be smarter with their fellow man, and then sometimes you... You see the results and you just-- oh! This is not what I had in mind when I was... Yeah, fine. You're not gonna see that on the educational channel -- what do you-- oh, oh, oh, oh! All right, bill, I guess... I guess we've seen the last of bill, and... Ok, harold, harold, harold, you win. (ringing bell) saved by the bell, there, bill. It doesn't get any better. Ranger gord gets a bunch of medals. Our church service is turning into a big attraction. Guess who's coming. Who has made more north american men turn to religion than anybody else? Lorena bobbitt? (audience laughing) harold, for gosh sakes! The guy at the sporting events! The guy that holds up the sign, says "john 11:13". The sign guy's coming? Will he have a striped wig and everything? This is gonna be the biggest thing that ever hit possum lake -- wait till the fireworks. Noah's ark, all done in pinwheels. Whoa, whoa, uncle red. You guys are missing the point. Religion's not about putting on a show. That's why they get the lousy turn-out, harold. You add a couple of miracles and a little pizzazz, you can turn a money-losing venture into a cash cow with international franchise potential! Is this you speaking in tongues, uncle red? I got religion, harold. Oh, heaven, help us. Red green! (laughing) and harold! Guess what. I got a big promotion. Promotion, gord? Yes, sir. After 16 years of being a forest ranger grade 3, I'm now being promoted to forest ranger grade 2. Well, congratulations to you, gord! Thanks very much. You sure paid your dues. Sixteen years up here, all alone. Where will you be working now? Here. Oh, but I guess you're getting a big raise in pay. I haven't had a paycheque in over 10 years. Anyway, the thing is, I get to decorate my uniform with these medals. The forestry department must have dropped them off. I found them in a pile over there. Uh, those are beer bottle caps, gord. (laughing) red, everybody knows you're not allowed to drink beer in the forest. Oh, yeah, what was I thinking? I don't know. Now, this one says "bud". That's for "buddy of the forest". Oh, for gosh sakes. This one says "50". That's for "50 years--" oh... Oh... "50 months of service". Ok, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get four of these. All right! Two, three, four. This one says "lager". Yeah. That's for my work protecting the forest against loggers. That will be it. Thought "logger" was spelled with an "o". Doesn't matter. Can you stick around for the presentation ceremony? We wouldn't miss it for the world! Okey-dokey. Ranger... Quk March! (mimicking drum sounds) ranger... Small jump! Forward... March! (mimicking drum sounds) ranger... Big jump! Quick... March! (mimicking drum sounds) ranger gord, for service above and beyond the call of duty... And nature... And certainly sanity... Congratulations to you, sir. (whispering): Thank you. Left... Turn! Quick... March! (mimicking drum sounds) I think I deserve a medal for keeping a straight face. It's "male call"! Oh, harold. (applause) ow. Here's our letter this week, from larry in michigan, and larry writes: "dear red, does everyone in canada speak french?" well, uh, yeah, a little, you know, or as the french would say, un "poo". (audience laughing) we all try to speak a little french. Try to keep the country together. So far, it's not going all that well. (audience laughing) I wonder why. (speaking french badly): Oui, ce est un gros dommage, un et un mysterio pour "moo-ah". N'est-ce pas-que? Yeah. (audience laughing) we had a little rehearsal for our church service. Didn't go just exactly as planned, you know. It was a judgment! It was an accident, harold. A lightning bolt on a clear day? I take that as a warning. It wasn't a lightning bolt. It was too many boats too close together with too few bilge pumps and too many leaky gas lines. But the candles -- that was stupid. That was stupid. We did have a miracle. Nobody was killed. And the explosion parted possum lake... Just for a second. I caught a glimpse of your snowmobile. (possum squeal) meeting time. You go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a minute. It's over there, harold. If my wife is watching, I've gained a new respect for religion. I was hoping you could join me. We'd go to church and renew our vows, and go to the motel, renew our honeymoon, providing I can renew my medical insurance. The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the reverend harold and the whole gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (cheering and whistling) (possum squeal) (harold): All rise, all rise! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Stinky peterson will be having a family reunion again. (audience groaning) he said, "don't worry, you'll know where." closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this is too much!